The Perfectionism Trap: Wedding Planning Stress and “The Perfect Bride” vs. “Bridezilla”

Let’s talk bridal archetypes, people.

When you’re stressed about wedding planning, and you’re the bride to be, it can feel like you have two options: becoming the perfect bride (and turning all your stress inward) or becoming the bridezilla (and making your needs known but maybe in a not so helpful way.)

There is no in-between in the eyes of modern society. You’re either sweet and light and good, or terrible and monstrous and bad. But no matter which way you’re looking on the outside, on the inside you’re probably feeling a ton of stress and guilt and overwhelm.

Planning a wedding is hard work, y’all.

That’s why wedding planning is a huge industry. It can feel like a full time job! And, more often than not, it’s the bride who’s doing it. The bride who is getting the appointments, making the decisions (or presenting the decisions to their partner and waitingggggg), tracking the deposits and payments and contracts, and handling all the emotional burden. It’s enough to make anyone crack.

Add perfectionism into the mix, and you are headed for breakdown territory.

There’s too much naturally occurring wedding planning stress. Your brain and your body will be full of stress hormones just through the normal course of events. If you add perfectionism, underlying anxiety, or rigidity, you’re going to reach your tipping point. You will explode. And it’s going to look different depending on the person. You can become a shrieking harpy, or a happy on the outside dying on the inside wounded heroine. I really hate both of those options for you.

Kelsey’s Wedding Planning Stress Story:

One thing I love about being a perfectionist coach with a background in therapy is that I can see what’s going on from a psychological perspective while giving you real, evidence-based, concrete tips AND some real talk. And I can tell you about my failures and mistakes.

I was married in early 2019, and had a year the plan my wedding.

It was generally exciting. I loved finding a florist, a photographer, a cool venue. I sought out woman-owned businesses that I was happy to support. I was excited to be married. But it felt like too many family dynamics and too many people with opinions.

I had just left my school-based therapist job and was transitioning to full time private practice (um hello huge stressor that I should have acknowledged at the time), so while I had lots of time available to wedding plan, I was having trouble tracking everything.

I did a ton of research! I made spreadsheets! I sent emails! I followed up! I checked in with my husband to be (who more often than not said “whatever you want” which is it’s own kind of frustrating when you’re suffering from decision fatigue!)

Plus, as a perfectionist, I HAD to make sure everything was good enough.

And while I had total trust in my vendors, that was part of why I felt I had to spend so much time researching and reading reviews and reaching out and following up etc. I wanted to choose the best people out there! That was SO. MANY. HOURS. OF. WORK.

So come March 2019, it’s no wonder that I was an anxious mess.

I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t eating enough. I had sprained my ankle in January (hello huge stressor I should have acknowledged at the time #2!) and my fiancé had sprained his knee at a soccer game at the start of the March (stressor #3!)

I wanted everyone to be happy at the wedding. I was worried about all the new in-laws getting along (#4). I had late cancellations from guests due to health issues (#5). Because of these cancellations, my future Mother In Law asked to move some of her friends from one table to another.

And that’s how I ended up crying Target because I couldn’t find a white-out pen.

I’m talking snotty tears, shuddering breaths, and hiding my face because I didn’t want to be judged. Calling my future husband. Calling my mom. Finally finding the white out pen and then crying when I couldn’t make an 8 look like the other 3’s on the seating chart. Stuff that was soooo not a big deal, but it felt like a huge deal because I had reached my tipping point and was experiencing full on flight/flight/freeze mode.

I wish that someone had been there in the months beforehand telling me that I should take a breath and take care of my nervous system.

I'm normally pretty regular with yoga practice but wasn’t attending due to my ankle injury. I needed to be building in some new stress management skills and I wasn’t making the time. And I was working as an anxiety therapist! I knew what to do! But I didn’t do it, and nobody was there to encourage me or catch it before I got to my overwhelm point.

So between crying because my 8’s didn’t look like 3’s, feeling hyper on edge about social dynamics at the rehearsal dinner and at the wedding itself, and being worried about everyone having a good time, I kind of hated my wedding.

It was too much stress and pressure, and I did not have any healthy stress releases on deck. I couldn’t enjoy myself because of my stress.

I don’t want you to have to go through what I did.

Even if your wedding does stink! Because it might! I want you to have a healthier (and maybe dare I say it more realistic) mindset about what a wedding is, what it should be, and what you are really in charge of. I want you to set limits and hold your boundaries. I don’t want you crying in Target!

Coaching for wedding stress will help you stay on track with all your to-do’s while also making sure you’re addressing your mental, emotional, and physical health needs.

Yes you have a huge checklist but you also need to take care of yourself. And you need someone to help hold your hand and point out when you might be getting to your overwhelm point.

Like all of my coaching, we’re going to tailor our approach to you and what you most need.

Someone to vent to? Someone to hear your complaints and not judge you? Someone who will NEVER call you the perfect bride of the bridezilla? Someone who is trained to recognize small stress signs so that you’re proactively handling it?

We’re going to make sure you’re dealing with your stress so that you can enjoy your wedding to the best of your ability and so that you can feel present during this big moment at your life.

Weddings are hard fucking work. That’s why we hire vendors. And if you need more support, coaching may be a good fit for you.

I’m always here to chat!

Are you planning a wedding and realizing it’s kind of miserably stressful actually? Life coaching can help! Kelsey Torgerson Dunn provides life coaching and mindset help for anxious, angry, overwhelmed perfectionists. Learn more and schedule a call here.